mother mary

 recents

- blaming/ putting our things on others we get to leave to leave it to them. then left with our strings

see things real without shame. 

understanding form the ones u love. ur alowed to have no one be wrong?

I'll leave the light on for u when ur ready.

we all need a little grace. place for u to open up to ur truth vs. me letting it in again/ being okay with it.

Lost in Translation

miscommunication/ way things are on surface (all on same core, protection tactics)

not entertaining shame anymore. not playing the victim/ blame game. has made me dizzy till i hit the cieiling. been stringing along. paranoia as i chase a breathe. i escape it when there are no players. 

summer

 - camera, journal, barnes and nobles other journal

- baking, excersize, guitar

movies: Hamlet

- directors: gurillmo del toro (roundtablr)

luca g

distant lover

 - in service of things together/ create together (appreciate things together)

- appreciate each others internal landscapes and worlds (relationships with ourselves)

no longer stalling

 I sometimes put a lot fo expectations on my future romantic partner. First real love. I've dreamt about it for my entire life. It's not gonna look like I imagine it exactly, but I do know that it's going to resemble the feelings I've always held onto. and searched. sourced for form my other relationships. I don't just want that from a romantic partner, I want love to parade my life and pour into itself ten fold (I heard that phrase and it always emphasizes things well and idk why it just came to mind so I'm using it) what being in service of something. It's been the same simple things I'll always gravitated towards all along. Because my heart never changed. Why am I surprised! But it feels like a trick like having the answer all along/ knowing it but thinking it's too simple or you need to look for more. I seriously need to quit questioning myself when I feel deep down in my gut I'm right. Not even about me owning the answer but just the easy feeling being the right one. If it sticks let it stick! The reason I started writing on here rn is because I was daydreaming a bit of my future lover (that sounds kinda intense but it like is?) but I feel like I need to be prepared because I know that relationships are going to start flooding into my life which i'm so excited for. I can't put to words how excited I am to be in meaningful relationships. With people who just want to love. and are in love with life and feel passionate about life and are open. Do I have fears? Yes. But I know that I can transcend them and if anything they'll evaporate the more I bring them to light! So they can actually be a bridge and they let me relate more. My unique fear and not unique fear. 

I can't hide anymore. That's what the big lesson is. That's what it's always been, I've known it and there have been layers because there are but. Plain and simple. That encapsulates all of it. It means I can't ignore my feelings (more relevant to these past two years). I can't sacrifice them (before. so long.) I can't play with my fate in any way as if it's not worth being lived out. I've always felt it is and then I lost vision of it and started to seriously doubt. I don't think I would've ever thought that would happen to me. Rooted yet swaying in wind that just tickles my truth. Doesn't fully speak it in volumes. Not being fulfilled by how I relay my message in real life. Not fully living out the vision in my mind. My heart. Not living up to my potential. Depending on context I'm a part of to make me feel better about it. Waiting for the day. Where someone would meet me where I was at to find me and see me and offer me the life I get to build for myself. I've followed things that align with me, just not executed to the potential I know I can. It's like Good Will Hunting in a way. I put myself in those positions but haven't felt like I have permission to let go. and fully be seen. 

To live from the deepest part of you. To lead life from the deepest part. Highest self, full accordance with self, full alignment. Synonyms. That's what it's been. Look around my life and see the deepest parts of me breathe life. and not apologize for it. because i have no reason to. does it feel audacious? a bit yeah! but not deflecting. taking the time to word things exactly how i mean them. to flourish from my root.

relationship to the world outside of me in relationship with my known deep truth in me. living it out externally.

It's actually so so so so relieving and comforting that I don't have to go and seek a faraway truth. Nothing has changed in my heart, the things I connect to. And feeling embarrassed and hesitant to step into the light isn't shameful. It's a door of invitation that i have practiced entering and now know I have to push past that fear. I know the cost of holding back your whole life. WHY SHOULD I ONLY GET A SLIVER? Why should I limit myself from maximum visibility and find more of my people?

It's taken a trip to the fricking moon and back to let my explore in the way my heart longs to. To cry when I feel like crying. To tell the people I love that I love them. To receive love back. I know you. I've always known you. I'm gonna let myself live. I'm letting us live vic. it's time. 

4/26/26- inner stirrings

 wow. perception is. everything. internal stability. things start to actually mean something on solid ground. i need to return to my outlets. music. to live my life and play pickleball and go on my runs. not to escape but to sink myself into my life and have my own spaces. i love that everything means something. it despites time. because i do care. and im my 19 year old self. with so much love to give and be received. im tired of protecting my heart and mind and space. actually of detaching myself and returning to a specific image of myself and my entire life. i don't want to have an escape. a numbing cream.

Im feeling the light/ flow of living and not overthinking/ restricting myself. of what before was going to midtown classes and going on my runs and singing classes and then meeting with people and just feeling the light. of the life of being in momentum. in motion. upward motion. and being in it. of living. and i'm entering that. of the full heart life. i can make it if i try. i'm not a bad person for having not felt like a sparkling light. i'm a human. and im me in all of my stages. i have to see that and understand that. i am not my highest or lowest. and its not black and white. anything real in my life will be based on that. i can't expect that from anything real. what i'm feeling is love. me tearing up because i said smth hurtful to my dad. me not wanting to disappoint my newer friends. me being nervous with what the text my new, on the lookout for friends.

it's scary to feel in front of people. to be vulnerable in an unfiltered way. in the past i would reserve this introspection (the looking out and gazing introspectively) to my room. i'm feeling a huge humongous deviating path (5:55). of giving into deep blanket of love. of confronting people caring. or their want to look up. of people's hearts. of completely abandoning the social fear game. the physical limitations. a life lived in love. love for others and myself by listening to myself and choosing better.

 step into the lighttt. so bright sometimes.. i am never going back.

- my dissapointment has come from seeing the reality of brightness and my attempt not meeting the full vibrancy. but now ik i can be in it and live up to it. and bring people to it. i dont have to not live up to what ik i can be 

i now have the muslce to enter that. and live out what i envision. to not have regret be the leading force.

heart like a fricking rocketship

 omg. omg. omg. wow. when u fricking fulfill what yk fulfills u. like the feeling of being with the film people. opening urself up and letting urself be seen by the things that ur soul craves. i went to prof murphy's office hours, met two new friends, and talked to him about project hail mary. wow. like wow. my hear could fricking explode. it fuels me for everything else. and im eating a starbucks grilled fucking cheese. about to lock the frick in. sharing the love like wow.

- PEOPLE THAT SEE U FOR UR MIND AND IDEAS. that's all i've ever wanted and that's why college has always been a dream for me. waiting to be seen. to live in the depth that I've always wanted to be met at. the long waiting game! and opportunities that depend on u. it's crazy to see my growth this past year. that line would've intimidated me and maybe constrained me into full fear. currently looking at this guy i thought i saw earlier. i felt i would see him today. pretty sure it's him. 

Update on blogging: I've refrained from posting specific blog posts this past like 2 weeks-ish. currently in my drafts. they've felt too exposing/ vulnerable. especially because they include specific names... BUT it's a privilege to actually feel again and for my heart space to be growing over the course of the last month (april has been so expansive), and this is my diary... i have been journaling the last like two days more extensively which has been really nice. very connecting. i'm debating making this what i wanted it to be initially more, like a space for topics of conversation that could be more shared/ relevant in my life in specific moments. like how carrie bradshaw takes specific topics in her life that inspire more universal conversations. so that i can actually perhaps share this. 

momentum is happening. the fortune i got this week like two days ago saying my quite efforts are about to be rewarded (always in a way i never expect thank you for the constant surprises universe!) is actively taking place. the "about to be" is now... i feel like the edits i see of jake gyllenhal or however u spell is last name (love him/ wanna watch more of his stuff sorry for the disrespect sir!) where he says "im starting to see things i never saw" which i once did but now have access to in another way. i feel so open. like the door to my heart and life is open. and anything can happen at any time. even typing this rn people occassionally walking behind me to throw smth away. a rebellion or like initiation. i feel purpose for the first time in a long time. and this time it feels different (the long time part) because it feels like it's going to be sustained. it's not like a glimmer or new finding it is but in a way that is here to stay. that i've made room for and is now building stuff. 

i think im going to evolve this to be more topic based. still about people in my life but not as explicit... i kinda wanna find places for different things. i dont wanna compartmentalize but it feels appropriate... considering i'm having alot of feelings and i dont want this to reach idk my professor one day... ill let my more daring thoughts to my snap story! but i do want a catalog... maybe i'll leave that for my journal.... and let value be placed on it through my own eyes. but it will say no matter how daring it might be to say this: 

it feels good to be seen.

like truly seen. for the things that make my heart feel and that i feel so much to be shared and seen for the sole purpose of sharing interest for a part of the world and to be recognized for it. to belong to it. not exclusively but enough to build something from. if that makes sense... that's another thing too sometimes the things i saw seem like they might feel far-fetched but i don't want to accomodate it for that chance... but i do care about u tho! and if u understand;)))))))

okay. yeah. i'll probably be right back...

need to be honest. thank you lizzy mcapline and my period

 hi diary. i had two confrontations today. one pickleball date. this is all becoming unreally real. to the point where i can't withstand masking the truth to any fucking point anymore. from anyone. i know my truth. and i haven't had that secured in almost two years. i have it at my fucking fingertips. this person. me. my teachers. success. i just laid on my knee trying to grasp my exhale as i let tears stubbornly fall from my eyes in rejection of the grief of my unbecoming. ik i am becoming. but in these moments of doubt. of like holding myself back. of not doing the hardest thing. of making the light thing hard. of not letting go. it all feels like its tumbling down. even when im way up high. because when i full let go. it gets too good. like its dangerously good. but at the exact same time im starting to feel the burn for wanting to love something so much amongst all the risk. mock the risk and give into all of the controversy and irony and dychotomy because i like to also indulge in pain. clearly. self-induced. like it really can't get worse than making myself fall. why not just be the fucking sun. why not. im so done being anything less. why not erode into the grass and let myself be walked upon. that why i finally feel something. why not just watch someone dance atop me. its a pretty nice view. like you risk to love and then your left with bruises for life in remembrance of their absence. its all a shitshow. but its all a show anyway. so might as well take part. play pretend and actually land somewhere. rather than to attempt to pretend yk the ending. im done playing pretend. im done pretending i dont want in. id rather be secure in my risk and insecurity than safe on the sidelines. in danger of never being exposed to anything at all. i deserve to be in. to feel. and make. something worth everything or nothing at all. to indulge. to inhale. to suck it all. to lather. to gather. im so done being misunderstood by my own fault. to carry the mass of feeling and pretend. yet wanting people to know. all because of possibilities of the mind. im so done giving into my mind. im real. i have real fears. real wants. in this silly thing people are a part of. i can want smth from this silly thing. and want to give smth to it. i can want to water the plant.

im gonna let my water fall. let all the sun shine. if its too much then itll just pour into every crevice it needs to. i physically cannot hold back anymore. i am in labor. for smth that has been aching for years. if ur reading this i was about to apologize or warn for the intensity but i can't. this is real. this is what it means to be a human. a homosapien. i wont apologize for having the moon turn me insideout, swell my body with the truth i've been ejecting anywhere but, with its tidal pulse, dragging me along the midday. as i turn on the planet and neglect myself of the twirl. forbid myself of a dance. who am i. why am i. who i am. i will let myself be seen in my unmasked, turning self. let life be left uncooked and open. split open and spilt.

letting the light in and seeing things for what they are

 crazy times call for spillage! 

when you let things go they really do swing back. it's fricking crazy to see in real time. in real life. and to see things so differently. feeling the root truth deep inside somewhere in the past and seeing it flourish and sprout in ways I could've never imagined yet held together by the untetherable truth of hope and love. witnessing this with my own eyes and heart. it's fucking insane is an understatement but. and to think that strangers hold visions of my truth. like i just experienced it a second ago all right in front of me. its unreal. like truly unreal. and then getting to witness it and interact with it in different ways. it's insane. so real. like mind-bendingly real. but so fucking exciting. like so exciting that i- like all of it-

it can be easy in these moments to slip into what has always been. but that's it it hasn't always been. and there's been times where things feel like that's all there is. but i get to make space for what will be. and that's a big deal. a life-changingly big deal.

people really are a mirror.

it's crazy where all of this can lead you. I'm literally seeing this stuff in real time. WTF DO U MEAN LIKE THIS SHIT IS REAL. all because i trusted and turned to the light slowly. if that's possible, then all the inklings and inchings I have towards opening my heart that I've felt throughout my entire life to know to be true r real! what a reoccuring suprise! which I've known and had literal proof of but living another reality really took a toll. turned me inside out. to the depths of my shame and fear and insecurity. so much so that of course right but like still shocking, life was transformed in front of my eyes. to know with concrete proof that life doesn't quit on u at ur worst and that ur still met with those at the same level, have people put in ur life as reminders of what ur soul is yearning for. it's more than i could ever possibly ask for. there's sm stillness now. i knew it would one day come but to rlly be in it. and for the shakiness that used to withdraw me from life to be so sunk deep down. to hear echoes of its ripple but choose to stay afloat. and breath into what is NOW. I have to keep swimming. floating. in spite. and be brave enough to keep facing forward. to give myself the chance. the right! to live in love. it's not a coincidence that light and love both seem to transcend laws of the universe...

i love you. thanks for not giving up on urself vic. and loving isn't selfish. it's the most selfless thing you could do. to be the light for others. it's a mutual respect for the workings of nature. ur spirit needs it so do it vic. and let people make of it what they do. let that let u giggle! and love more in the face of a heart denied of it.