no longer stalling

 I sometimes put a lot fo expectations on my future romantic partner. First real love. I've dreamt about it for my entire life. It's not gonna look like I imagine it exactly, but I do know that it's going to resemble the feelings I've always held onto. and searched. sourced for form my other relationships. I don't just want that from a romantic partner, I want love to parade my life and pour into itself ten fold (I heard that phrase and it always emphasizes things well and idk why it just came to mind so I'm using it) what being in service of something. It's been the same simple things I'll always gravitated towards all along. Because my heart never changed. Why am I surprised! But it feels like a trick like having the answer all along/ knowing it but thinking it's too simple or you need to look for more. I seriously need to quit questioning myself when I feel deep down in my gut I'm right. Not even about me owning the answer but just the easy feeling being the right one. If it sticks let it stick! The reason I started writing on here rn is because I was daydreaming a bit of my future lover (that sounds kinda intense but it like is?) but I feel like I need to be prepared because I know that relationships are going to start flooding into my life which i'm so excited for. I can't put to words how excited I am to be in meaningful relationships. With people who just want to love. and are in love with life and feel passionate about life and are open. Do I have fears? Yes. But I know that I can transcend them and if anything they'll evaporate the more I bring them to light! So they can actually be a bridge and they let me relate more. My unique fear and not unique fear. 

I can't hide anymore. That's what the big lesson is. That's what it's always been, I've known it and there have been layers because there are but. Plain and simple. That encapsulates all of it. It means I can't ignore my feelings (more relevant to these past two years). I can't sacrifice them (before. so long.) I can't play with my fate in any way as if it's not worth being lived out. I've always felt it is and then I lost vision of it and started to seriously doubt. I don't think I would've ever thought that would happen to me. Rooted yet swaying in wind that just tickles my truth. Doesn't fully speak it in volumes. Not being fulfilled by how I relay my message in real life. Not fully living out the vision in my mind. My heart. Not living up to my potential. Depending on context I'm a part of to make me feel better about it. Waiting for the day. Where someone would meet me where I was at to find me and see me and offer me the life I get to build for myself. I've followed things that align with me, just not executed to the potential I know I can. It's like Good Will Hunting in a way. I put myself in those positions but haven't felt like I have permission to let go. and fully be seen. 

To live from the deepest part of you. To lead life from the deepest part. Highest self, full accordance with self, full alignment. Synonyms. That's what it's been. Look around my life and see the deepest parts of me breathe life. and not apologize for it. because i have no reason to. does it feel audacious? a bit yeah! but not deflecting. taking the time to word things exactly how i mean them. to flourish from my root.

relationship to the world outside of me in relationship with my known deep truth in me. living it out externally.

It's actually so so so so relieving and comforting that I don't have to go and seek a faraway truth. Nothing has changed in my heart, the things I connect to. And feeling embarrassed and hesitant to step into the light isn't shameful. It's a door of invitation that i have practiced entering and now know I have to push past that fear. I know the cost of holding back your whole life. WHY SHOULD I ONLY GET A SLIVER? Why should I limit myself from maximum visibility and find more of my people?

It's taken a trip to the fricking moon and back to let my explore in the way my heart longs to. To cry when I feel like crying. To tell the people I love that I love them. To receive love back. I know you. I've always known you. I'm gonna let myself live. I'm letting us live vic. it's time.