wow. perception is. everything. internal stability. things start to actually mean something on solid ground. i need to return to my outlets. music. to live my life and play pickleball and go on my runs. not to escape but to sink myself into my life and have my own spaces. i love that everything means something. it despites time. because i do care. and im my 19 year old self. with so much love to give and be received. im tired of protecting my heart and mind and space. actually of detaching myself and returning to a specific image of myself and my entire life. i don't want to have an escape. a numbing cream.
Im feeling the light/ flow of living and not overthinking/ restricting myself. of what before was going to midtown classes and going on my runs and singing classes and then meeting with people and just feeling the light. of the life of being in momentum. in motion. upward motion. and being in it. of living. and i'm entering that. of the full heart life. i can make it if i try. i'm not a bad person for having not felt like a sparkling light. i'm a human. and im me in all of my stages. i have to see that and understand that. i am not my highest or lowest. and its not black and white. anything real in my life will be based on that. i can't expect that from anything real. what i'm feeling is love. me tearing up because i said smth hurtful to my dad. me not wanting to disappoint my newer friends. me being nervous with what the text my new, on the lookout for friends.
it's scary to feel in front of people. to be vulnerable in an unfiltered way. in the past i would reserve this introspection (the looking out and gazing introspectively) to my room. i'm feeling a huge humongous deviating path (5:55). of giving into deep blanket of love. of confronting people caring. or their want to look up. of people's hearts. of completely abandoning the social fear game. the physical limitations. a life lived in love. love for others and myself by listening to myself and choosing better.
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