serving others and my vision

 currently fascinated and invigorated and comforted by the permission to submit my full attention and care to another persons vision or creation. I watched Gracie abrams' interviews in this past hour and she's alway's paying omage to other people within the creation of her work and her intimate process. also with her being cast for A24's Please and her describing the experience as literally just getting to be the character that she had sm of a good time exploring the world of. and how there's no ownership except for the recognition maybe of resonance from her own inner world. i relate so much. i've always loved being a learner of others. i love the way she keeps that while being the face of all of the referenced people she cherishes. while she maintains them back. also her talking about clothes being an armor and how the audience judges without even saying anything makes me feel seen. like my perspective can suffice. and live in a real world. serving others redirects my attention other and puts my nervous system into purpose/connection mode. (jessie eisenberg)

also i came across this quote on an insta slide about how if what feels right/rational to me feels irrational to others, keep going its in service of my vision or smth like that. it was more like what feels rational to me might feel completely irrational to others. we all have our given visions. we get to bask in the absurdity and differences of each others visions. that makes room for me to take a hold of mine without adjusting for rearview mirrors.

the world is feeling closer. tools for connection more approachable. smth inside of my is reaching out my hand towards them in need. not out of muscle memory. labels are dissenagrating. quinteplets dont scare me rn. all just a name to the silly differences. and the worlds (lara jean?) i feel about people r being painted back onto them. scarily, exposingly to my eyes, unbenounced to them. until i tell them. for now its my secret.

 we all hold the power to unravel each other.

all we need is love.

 the light entertains my vision while my heart feels the pulse of the waters.

The vastsness of the ocean no matter sinks me.

it holds the space to let others bleed.

i think about what she might be feeling.

scared to open up to myself because what if they're all right.

what if it was all my fault?

what if i hurt the ones i love?

what if the one thing i gave up everything for i wrecked?

what if im the one to blame?

mother mary

 recents

- blaming/ putting our things on others we get to leave to leave it to them. then left with our strings

see things real without shame. 

understanding form the ones u love. ur alowed to have no one be wrong?

I'll leave the light on for u when ur ready.

we all need a little grace. place for u to open up to ur truth vs. me letting it in again/ being okay with it.

Lost in Translation

miscommunication/ way things are on surface (all on same core, protection tactics)

not entertaining shame anymore. not playing the victim/ blame game. has made me dizzy till i hit the cieiling. been stringing along. paranoia as i chase a breathe. i escape it when there are no players. 

summer

 - camera, journal, barnes and nobles other journal

- baking, excersize, guitar

movies: Hamlet

- directors: gurillmo del toro (roundtablr)

luca g

distant lover

 - in service of things together/ create together (appreciate things together)

- appreciate each others internal landscapes and worlds (relationships with ourselves)

no longer stalling

 I sometimes put a lot fo expectations on my future romantic partner. First real love. I've dreamt about it for my entire life. It's not gonna look like I imagine it exactly, but I do know that it's going to resemble the feelings I've always held onto. and searched. sourced for form my other relationships. I don't just want that from a romantic partner, I want love to parade my life and pour into itself ten fold (I heard that phrase and it always emphasizes things well and idk why it just came to mind so I'm using it) what being in service of something. It's been the same simple things I'll always gravitated towards all along. Because my heart never changed. Why am I surprised! But it feels like a trick like having the answer all along/ knowing it but thinking it's too simple or you need to look for more. I seriously need to quit questioning myself when I feel deep down in my gut I'm right. Not even about me owning the answer but just the easy feeling being the right one. If it sticks let it stick! The reason I started writing on here rn is because I was daydreaming a bit of my future lover (that sounds kinda intense but it like is?) but I feel like I need to be prepared because I know that relationships are going to start flooding into my life which i'm so excited for. I can't put to words how excited I am to be in meaningful relationships. With people who just want to love. and are in love with life and feel passionate about life and are open. Do I have fears? Yes. But I know that I can transcend them and if anything they'll evaporate the more I bring them to light! So they can actually be a bridge and they let me relate more. My unique fear and not unique fear. 

I can't hide anymore. That's what the big lesson is. That's what it's always been, I've known it and there have been layers because there are but. Plain and simple. That encapsulates all of it. It means I can't ignore my feelings (more relevant to these past two years). I can't sacrifice them (before. so long.) I can't play with my fate in any way as if it's not worth being lived out. I've always felt it is and then I lost vision of it and started to seriously doubt. I don't think I would've ever thought that would happen to me. Rooted yet swaying in wind that just tickles my truth. Doesn't fully speak it in volumes. Not being fulfilled by how I relay my message in real life. Not fully living out the vision in my mind. My heart. Not living up to my potential. Depending on context I'm a part of to make me feel better about it. Waiting for the day. Where someone would meet me where I was at to find me and see me and offer me the life I get to build for myself. I've followed things that align with me, just not executed to the potential I know I can. It's like Good Will Hunting in a way. I put myself in those positions but haven't felt like I have permission to let go. and fully be seen. 

To live from the deepest part of you. To lead life from the deepest part. Highest self, full accordance with self, full alignment. Synonyms. That's what it's been. Look around my life and see the deepest parts of me breathe life. and not apologize for it. because i have no reason to. does it feel audacious? a bit yeah! but not deflecting. taking the time to word things exactly how i mean them. to flourish from my root.

relationship to the world outside of me in relationship with my known deep truth in me. living it out externally.

It's actually so so so so relieving and comforting that I don't have to go and seek a faraway truth. Nothing has changed in my heart, the things I connect to. And feeling embarrassed and hesitant to step into the light isn't shameful. It's a door of invitation that i have practiced entering and now know I have to push past that fear. I know the cost of holding back your whole life. WHY SHOULD I ONLY GET A SLIVER? Why should I limit myself from maximum visibility and find more of my people?

It's taken a trip to the fricking moon and back to let my explore in the way my heart longs to. To cry when I feel like crying. To tell the people I love that I love them. To receive love back. I know you. I've always known you. I'm gonna let myself live. I'm letting us live vic. it's time.