hi diary. i had two confrontations today. one pickleball date. this is all becoming unreally real. to the point where i can't withstand masking the truth to any fucking point anymore. from anyone. i know my truth. and i haven't had that secured in almost two years. i have it at my fucking fingertips. this person. me. my teachers. success. i just laid on my knee trying to grasp my exhale as i let tears stubbornly fall from my eyes in rejection of the grief of my unbecoming. ik i am becoming. but in these moments of doubt. of like holding myself back. of not doing the hardest thing. of making the light thing hard. of not letting go. it all feels like its tumbling down. even when im way up high. because when i full let go. it gets too good. like its dangerously good. but at the exact same time im starting to feel the burn for wanting to love something so much amongst all the risk. mock the risk and give into all of the controversy and irony and dychotomy because i like to also indulge in pain. clearly. self-induced. like it really can't get worse than making myself fall. why not just be the fucking sun. why not. im so done being anything less. why not erode into the grass and let myself be walked upon. that why i finally feel something. why not just watch someone dance atop me. its a pretty nice view. like you risk to love and then your left with bruises for life in remembrance of their absence. its all a shitshow. but its all a show anyway. so might as well take part. play pretend and actually land somewhere. rather than to attempt to pretend yk the ending. im done playing pretend. im done pretending i dont want in. id rather be secure in my risk and insecurity than safe on the sidelines. in danger of never being exposed to anything at all. i deserve to be in. to feel. and make. something worth everything or nothing at all. to indulge. to inhale. to suck it all. to lather. to gather. im so done being misunderstood by my own fault. to carry the mass of feeling and pretend. yet wanting people to know. all because of possibilities of the mind. im so done giving into my mind. im real. i have real fears. real wants. in this silly thing people are a part of. i can want smth from this silly thing. and want to give smth to it. i can want to water the plant.
im gonna let my water fall. let all the sun shine. if its too much then itll just pour into every crevice it needs to. i physically cannot hold back anymore. i am in labor. for smth that has been aching for years. if ur reading this i was about to apologize or warn for the intensity but i can't. this is real. this is what it means to be a human. a homosapien. i wont apologize for having the moon turn me insideout, swell my body with the truth i've been ejecting anywhere but, with its tidal pulse, dragging me along the midday. as i turn on the planet and neglect myself of the twirl. forbid myself of a dance. who am i. why am i. who i am. i will let myself be seen in my unmasked, turning self. let life be left uncooked and open. split open and spilt.
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