omg. omg. omg. wow. when u fricking fulfill what yk fulfills u. like the feeling of being with the film people. opening urself up and letting urself be seen by the things that ur soul craves. i went to prof murphy's office hours, met two new friends, and talked to him about project hail mary. wow. like wow. my hear could fricking explode. it fuels me for everything else. and im eating a starbucks grilled fucking cheese. about to lock the frick in. sharing the love like wow.
- PEOPLE THAT SEE U FOR UR MIND AND IDEAS. that's all i've ever wanted and that's why college has always been a dream for me. waiting to be seen. to live in the depth that I've always wanted to be met at. the long waiting game! and opportunities that depend on u. it's crazy to see my growth this past year. that line would've intimidated me and maybe constrained me into full fear. currently looking at this guy i thought i saw earlier. i felt i would see him today. pretty sure it's him.
Update on blogging: I've refrained from posting specific blog posts this past like 2 weeks-ish. currently in my drafts. they've felt too exposing/ vulnerable. especially because they include specific names... BUT it's a privilege to actually feel again and for my heart space to be growing over the course of the last month (april has been so expansive), and this is my diary... i have been journaling the last like two days more extensively which has been really nice. very connecting. i'm debating making this what i wanted it to be initially more, like a space for topics of conversation that could be more shared/ relevant in my life in specific moments. like how carrie bradshaw takes specific topics in her life that inspire more universal conversations. so that i can actually perhaps share this.
momentum is happening. the fortune i got this week like two days ago saying my quite efforts are about to be rewarded (always in a way i never expect thank you for the constant surprises universe!) is actively taking place. the "about to be" is now... i feel like the edits i see of jake gyllenhal or however u spell is last name (love him/ wanna watch more of his stuff sorry for the disrespect sir!) where he says "im starting to see things i never saw" which i once did but now have access to in another way. i feel so open. like the door to my heart and life is open. and anything can happen at any time. even typing this rn people occassionally walking behind me to throw smth away. a rebellion or like initiation. i feel purpose for the first time in a long time. and this time it feels different (the long time part) because it feels like it's going to be sustained. it's not like a glimmer or new finding it is but in a way that is here to stay. that i've made room for and is now building stuff.
i think im going to evolve this to be more topic based. still about people in my life but not as explicit... i kinda wanna find places for different things. i dont wanna compartmentalize but it feels appropriate... considering i'm having alot of feelings and i dont want this to reach idk my professor one day... ill let my more daring thoughts to my snap story! but i do want a catalog... maybe i'll leave that for my journal.... and let value be placed on it through my own eyes. but it will say no matter how daring it might be to say this:
it feels good to be seen.
like truly seen. for the things that make my heart feel and that i feel so much to be shared and seen for the sole purpose of sharing interest for a part of the world and to be recognized for it. to belong to it. not exclusively but enough to build something from. if that makes sense... that's another thing too sometimes the things i saw seem like they might feel far-fetched but i don't want to accomodate it for that chance... but i do care about u tho! and if u understand;)))))))
okay. yeah. i'll probably be right back...
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