hard acceptances

 the more i let the light come in, the more the truth comes with it. its in moments like these were i have to choose to look at it. and walk in it. with friends. with loved ones. its the hardest moments that you could choose to make fleeting and leave up to the fate of the moment that requires the most ownership. Responsibility of truth. of ones own ability to make faults. to not come from the best place in the face of self-protection. of the uncomfortability of witnessing another's discomfort and unknowing. I see how I've left these moments up to the moment. and why there's been shame. the deeper knowing of my responsibility. lack of acceptance of my own undeniable faults. of not getting it right every single time. of letting the moment sweep me into grasping for a knowing and letting it me the one that saves me first, not us. for the chance that the other will refute communal safety. shame me in my efforts. for trying. 

life has levitated in a way that let the truth come up with it. out of my plan real view. let me live in a different terrain. artificial truth. the lack of acceptance has paved for a new reality that makes space for the concrete beliefs that hold my heightened ground still. the let me walk on a floor that doesn't shake. that guarantees my safety. the lengths I will go to for this. i'm sorry for my wrongings in those fleeting moments that i give in to. im sorry to myself for tensing and letting the discomfort lead me down a path that doesn't feel good for me and those around me. who i am isn't about infinite goodness, it's about choosing to relocate the terrain of grounded truth and instead fall there. away from security but with the unshakeable knowing that the ground lays flat beneath me. and that falling is worth the risk.

i will try now. fall into the depths of my voice that tries. and not leave it up to the stirrings of gravity. of the artificial light. of the other. of the moment. i will stand firm in my truth.