#backandbetterthanever

 hi blogger. it's been a fricking bit! it's been a very long bit. an extended bit. i kind of always knew deep down that i would come back (don't mind the miscapitalization errors i'm not too dedicated to making this right like at all so bare with me!). i kind of thought i would come back sooner maybe idk but i'm finally here again. i have checked out my page like twice inbetween now and since the last time i posted. the frcking tangeled soundtrack of where their in the middle of the city dancing is playing (yes it is in my liked songs playlist bc thats like my only playlist even tho its not even a real playlist but "i digress") I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE PEOPLE THAT SAY THAT ARE TRYING TO BE PRETENTIOUS (I OVERGENERALIZE THE MEANING OF THAT WORD 100% but i move with its connotation, "i digress") like instead of syaing i digress u can just stop. simply end. terminate. on ur own time and narration. it's slightly not real to me (unreal= absurdly funny and inexplicably captivating, yes also very pretentious description). I DIGRESS (it is like kinda useful i'll admit im not just ranting about this for no reaosn i feel strongly when people use it) it's like an open social experiment to me idek. ANYWAYS

now defying gravity is playing so this is gonna get emotional or like heightened. anyways (now im thinking about i digress alot fuck). yes these r just my thoughts and feelings rn but this is important! and i feel really inspired rn and like voicing my world bc im finally like present! again! lesh go! the last time i wrote on here i was like trying to find my way through the fog and any level of clarity i wanted semented (not even a real word but here we r) onto here. like concretely and plainly stated so that it wouldn't be able to leave. now the chorus of defying gravity is playing so hold onto ur seatbelts! so corny and millenial. anyways.

no but actually (your gonna hear me say that alot), not hear but yk.

the more i let my thoughts and feelings and just life fucking leave my body the more it spills onto actual life so hi ur kinda like helping me live question mark?? ms stoklosa if ur reading this im so sorry. for this much transparency. i doubt u r. but also ik that yk that at one point (sorry for the gen z shortenings yk means you know... anyways) i would come back here/ somewhere close to this. thank you for everything. like actually aice media was so and still is meaningful to me. it reminds me of what im capable of even when im most like disconnected from myself. and most liberated from my perfectionism kind of. now the most powerful note of defying gravity is playing. OHOHOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. NOW BITTERSUSITE BY BILLIE OMG. wow what a fricking lineup. anyways. 

im still yk fully allowing myself to just be and spill my inner world out unleashed but obviously in yk socially appropriate places? even rn a part of me thats slightly like taking over (im not possessed i swear, even tho my friends think so... thats a story for another time! college is fucking unreal) thinking this is too much even tho im almost sure no one (even tho a small part of me in my inner fantasy is like secretly hoping that this will like somehow be found and go viral and like omg! look at her fucking truth spilled! her vulnerability is note-worthy!) is gonna read this.

usually before in my life i would use for the same reason im writing this here rn. as an outlet to like unleash everything in me pretty much. obviously its kinda dif and kinda fricking unreal now that i think about it and like rlly empowering that i got to put my friends and different people into little stories that each were like segmenting and compartmentalizing different thoughts and aspects of my life by degree of closeness to that person and what i wanted available to them about my life and thoughts... thats kinda fucking wild now that i see it openly. is that like healthy??? PROMISCOUS GIRLLL is playing now lets fricking go. anyways i would literaly get a high from like being vulnerable (i always misspell is as vunerable... #almost20andsmartafffff)  WHAT U WAITING FORRR, PROMISCOUS GIRLLLL U TEASING MEEEE (im taking too long to time with the song time and its like tripping me up/ making me feel more present for some reason idk) BABY U COULD KEEP IT ON THE LOWWWWW (so fucking good. fuck) if anyone actually finds this like yk me deeply type shi. also my voice helps u see when im being sarcastic bc some of the stuff im saying is not real and so corny like that type shi. okay this is getting a little too like real. #havingsecondthoughtsaboutactuallypublishingthiseventhonooneisgonnareadthisonblogger.com

i just remembered i can edit my text so i edited getting a high bc its so true. the feeling of knowing people r gonna see some of my most innerworld thoguhts and feelings about the real life we r all a part of and would soon like rencounter each other after they know my honest perception and thoughts about stuff we r both involved in. its so vunerable. like genuinely. after time i realized why it was so important to me. it was a place where i could just let myself be known and then go back in person face to face as if nothing happened but knowing they know me better now. saying things without needing to make a space for them irl. in person. in the present real reality. but now there was more known mutually. idk if anyone else took it as personally or viewed it in that way but for me it was genuinely like a life-saving force. obviously i also used it bc i wanted attention or to be seen but not in a surface level way. maybe more when i was younger but once i was like 13/14 it was more of a necessary outlet for deeper topics. a space for shared feelings like that is what social media should be. ig thats kinda youtube but liek snap was literally just for that. idk if people still use it in that way at this age. i remember feeling shame like im gonna be 19 maybe and using snap stories wtf... maybe im just out of the loop now that i like closed myself off from people but also i dont think its used in that way anymore idk. theres a lot. my perception of people over like 17 rlly like deregulated my nervous system? there r two squirrels surrounding me. the last time i wrote extensively about a squirrel was for my college essay. looking for smth meaningufl to write about. wow. the fact that life is so not at all what meets the eye rlly tripped me up. i love it when i feel like i can see truth but when ur looking for what feels close to reality and see still images when theres smth movement (literally a like rule of nature/ life) it can feel threatening in a way. like ur an outsider to the truth that everyone is actively taking a part in. and ur just on the outside. waiting to be let in but ur the only one that can give urself that access. and theres no like entry fee except discomfort or acceptance. leaving behind all the bags youve been carrying for ur own justification of ur stuckness. of lost time. opportunities not being taken that have always been a dream. 

thats a lot ik but its all very extremely real. theres a little orangeish bug on my mouse part of my keyboard. theres a lot i have to say. and saying it and valueing my own life isnt selfish or egotistical its actually literally the opposite. if i dont ill put all of my yearnings and needs onto others that have nothing to do with this part of my life. its happened and i dont want to burden anyone with that. not even just burden as in take all of this weight but i dont deserve that too. i deserve to take care of myself. to be taken care of by myself. this is getting very real but thats the cost/ awesome prize of being honest and finally feeling connected to urself again! i used to feel alot of shame of constantly being in that loop and like explaining that " finding myself again" theres some reluctancy within me of even saying that. it feels like im trying to get attention or like its a burden or smth. bbut i have to scream my fucking truth out somewhere. but its had a say on every single part of my life for the past like at least 2 years. and im here. in this palce that ive always held tied to a dream. a place to act on my own free will on my own wants my own needs in my own way. have complete say over my complete life. and its def a work in progress. but ive gotten here. i genuinely didnt know if i would. its taken everything from me to come here. and its never in the way u expect it to be but. ig thats the part u can always count on. 

this is my new snap. along with snap but theres also sm i can type before it gives me a word limit. and stops me from my rampage. from my spillage! omg i remember when that would happen i would be in the middle of like spilling my guts out to my three friends who maybe skipped my story idek but it didnt even matter fully it was more for me literally like art like. and i would reach my word limit and have to like restart from where i left off and keep that flow. wow i really was just and still am trying to find outlets for all of this stuff. and ik that i need to if i want to actually live. there also reluctancy in saying lines like that bc ik they sound dramatic and all of that and will maybe be percieved as me being pretentious or not knowing the weight of that but trust me, ITS SO REAL! this past like 6 months aka like since halfwayish through first semester? time is fucking strange and has been and is not real literally and has been actively proven to me through my own experience. even thta like i swear im not trying to be pretentious like i literally relate to everything in my astronomy class about physics bc i literally have been living it. thats kind of a story for another time but lets just say ive been speaking einsteins language. and stoklosa i feel u when u say that eveyrthins is connected. thats what ill say for now ;) okay i think thats a good amount for today! ill publish this and if anyone at all is reading this 1. im kinda scared 2. please dont track me down and like threaten me or smth 3. ik thats irrational and says alot about where im at 4. ik 5. i digress

amongst all of my inner stirrings, im really happy to be back here. it was bound to happen and with this new chapter of this book of my life im entering i know for certain that this is going to be another life-saving force. maybe more sophisticated than a snap story but its all the same. the medium can try to make it seem dif but its all the same. i dont wanna be flashy and pretentious. but i can do that sometimes, be pretenitous i mean. its kinda written into my soul so u have been warned. im ready for this to be my place to bring up everything deeply rooted in me and let it see the light! it deserves a place to breathe as it purely is with no filter. it needs to if i have any chance of living truthfully. rooted in my truth. so yay :) there r some people walking by but idec. i used to hope people would see my snap story maybe or just truths of mine (theres a bug in between and now on my keyboard on the y one. its now inside. ig i have an animal living inside of my computer now.) 

if ur ms stoklosa or anyone reading this (frick now i feel bad hitting the y letter) thank you ig and i love u! all! this is my place for my too muchness. okay bye now. talk to u soon